Monday, May 14, 2007

My own personal Catch-22

In the past few years I've felt like something has been out of balance in my life. Since arriving in San Diego and joining a lab for my Ph.D. with the 1 person I came all the way to CA to work for, I have balanced much of my life. I spend many hours in the lab, but yet I'm not unhappy or unhealthy. I go to the gym everyday or nearly everyday, I'm very social and I am a leader in the community. I am a model daughter, I think. Always concerned about my family's welfare and health, respectful of my heritage, role model to my siblings.

My parents, being quite traditional in some aspects of life, "forbade" me to date in High School. Until I was in College, I really didn't do much of anything in the realm of male/female romantic relationships. The delay in trying to be in such a relationship hindered my interpersonal growth significantly, I think. Although I get along with males very well (most of my best friends being male), I still find my feelings very confusing and conflicting when it comes to affections. This is not just me falling head over heels all the time ("Head over Heels" is usually very unlikely to happen to me). I still have problems in the basic games that men and women apparently have to play. I'm too honest and I can't tell the difference between harmless flirting and serious affections manifest as physical behavior. Apparently the game I have to play is complete aloofness to the affections being directed toward me. "Men like the chase" they say. The men I ask would prefer honesty. What am I to conclude? Do intellectual men like honesty and foolish lover-boy types like the chase? What is the truth here? How do I figure this out?

Going back to the point: My dilemma is that the one thing out of balance in my life is having a relationship with a person that's deeper than "just friends". I hate to say this...but I actually feel like I need someone in my life to whom I mean more than just a friend. This being said I am constantly told that I shouldn't need anyone...I should want someone. The interwoven message being that I must be solid in my own life and abilities such that I am choosing when and who I want to bring into my life to be significant person. Perfectly understood, but continuously wavering. I am solid in my life and abilities...this is why I feel like I'm in balance, but yet I am out of balance in the category of relationships. Thus, I am not solid in my life. Quite the Catch-22 (now that I've read the book, I feel I can use this idiom and know it's truest meaning). To be solid I must have all components of life in balance, but to be in balance I feel solid I must have a significant other, in which case I am not in balance and it follows that I should not be seeking a significant other, thus remaining out of balance. There is a flaw in the logic somewhere, but according to what others say and what I understand I can't figure out where it is.

So, I'm left here imbalanced. Maybe you'll comment on this. For now I'll be stuck in my paradox.


posted by Suji @ 12:35 PM 0 comments

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Grad Students and their inability to be Human

This week I've done nothing but listen and give advice as requested by so many. I think I'm being a great friend. I think I'm being an attentive listener and active participant in conversation. The time I'm giving to these people around me makes them my friends (a little bit of cognitive dissonance theory could apply here). I know that's what friends should do; Ask for help and be helped in return in different ways.

However, this week, I've been everyone else's cheerleader, therapist, and mom and the short time that I asked two of my friends to talk to me they were busier with the television or had "nothing to talk about." I want to ask for help, but at the same time I get this guilty feeling when I have to ask someone else to listen to me and help me work through my stress and problems as though I should be able to handle things on my own. Maybe because I feel I'm interjecting my problems into their most-peaceful lives.

This friend with "nothing to talk about" claims that she is "not used to talking to people". This woman is 26 years old; someone whom I consider to be quite intelligent; is getting her Ph.D. as I am, but yet...she cannot talk to someone she considers a good friend?! This blows my mind. I even told her that I was upset and she didn't ask "What's wrong?" or if I'd like to tell her about it.

I am not asking for much, it would seem, just someone to take a little bit of interest in my state of mind and level of happiness. I do my best to be perceptive my friends' happiness and their feelings.

One may say, "Find new friends." That task is not so easy when I spend 12+ hours in the lab each day. My social life is full, yes, but these people are my peers and I interact with them the most. They are friends of convenience. I am giving myself this illusion of emotional distance from them in particular by calling them friends of convenience. I mingle in many social coteries and meet many people, but the people I feel closest to are still the people who entered graduate school with me in the same department. We've shared a lot of experiences at the start of our graduate careers. What more can I say?

This is how I feel right now: neglected and used. I don't feel sorry for myself because I have more in my life than I could ever need, but a good friend is lacking. Just one would be enough. Just one that asked me how I was each time I saw them; Who could see my feelings written on my face or in my Away Message on a messaging program. Just one who'd care to listen to my thoughts.

Apparently Grad Students aren't the best place to look.

I'm taking applications for new friends...GRADUATE STUDENTS NEED NOT APPLY!

posted by Suji @ 9:40 AM 1 comments